Attachment in adults
Have you ever wondered why some relationships feel so secure, while others are marked by anxiety or distance? The intricate dance of human connection, once primarily understood through the lens of childhood, is now revealing its profound impact on our adult lives. This fascinating journey into attachment theory helps us uncover the hidden patterns that shape our friendships, romantic partnerships, and even our sense of self. Attachment theory, initially focused on children, now provides a powerful framework for understanding emotional bonds in adult relationships. Adults exhibit four distinct attachment styles—secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant—each influencing how they approach intimacy and independence. Our earliest relational experiences create 'working models' that, while relatively stable, continuously guide our expectations and behaviors in all our close connections.
AI Summary
Have you ever wondered why some relationships feel so secure, while others are marked by anxiety or distance? The intricate dance of human connection, once primarily understood through the lens of childhood, is now revealing its profound impact on our adult lives. This fascinating journey into attachment theory helps us uncover the hidden patterns that shape our friendships, romantic partnerships, and even our sense of self.
- Attachment theory, initially focused on children, now provides a powerful framework for understanding emotional bonds in adult relationships.
- Adults exhibit four distinct attachment styles—secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant—each influencing how they approach intimacy and independence.
- Our earliest relational experiences create 'working models' that, while relatively stable, continuously guide our expectations and behaviors in all our close connections.
The Threads That Bind: Attachment in Adulthood
For decades, attachment theory was primarily the domain of childhood psychology, pioneered by figures like John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. Their groundbreaking work explored how early interactions between children and their caregivers shaped emotional development. But what if these foundational patterns didn't simply fade away with age?
In the 1980s, psychologists began to ask precisely that question. Researchers like Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver observed striking similarities between the dynamics of child-caregiver relationships and adult romantic partnerships. They noticed that adults, much like children, seek proximity, feel comforted by a partner's presence, and experience anxiety when separated.
These observations led to a powerful realization: the core principles of attachment theory could be extended to adult relationships. While adult bonds aren't identical to those of children and caregivers, the underlying biological and psychological systems that drive us to seek connection appear to be remarkably consistent throughout our lives.
Core Principles of Adult Attachment
While different researchers have phrased it in various ways, several central themes emerge when applying attachment theory to adults. These themes illuminate the universal human drive for connection and the intricate ways our past shapes our present.
Essentially, we are biologically programmed to form attachments, but the specific ways we do so are profoundly shaped by our life experiences. These experiences lead us to develop certain expectations and beliefs about ourselves and others in relationships.
These deeply ingrained expectations form what psychologists call 'internal working models.' Think of them as unconscious blueprints that guide our behavior in relationships, helping us anticipate and respond to others. While generally stable, these models can evolve with significant new experiences.
Crucially, these individual differences in attachment can have a profound impact on our mental well-being and the overall quality of our relationships. Understanding these patterns can offer invaluable insights into why we connect with others the way we do.
The Four Adult Attachment Styles
Just as children develop different attachment styles based on their interactions with caregivers, adults also exhibit distinct patterns in their relationships. These styles describe how individuals typically relate to intimacy, dependence, and their own sense of self-worth within close bonds.
These adult styles — Secure, Anxious-Preoccupied, Dismissive-Avoidant, and Fearful-Avoidant — correspond to the childhood patterns identified by researchers. They offer a powerful framework for understanding relationship dynamics and personal satisfaction. For instance, studies show a direct link between attachment style and overall life satisfaction, as well as relationship duration.
Secure Attachment
Individuals with a secure attachment style generally hold positive views of both themselves and others. They've likely had a history of warm, responsive interactions in previous relationships, fostering a sense of trust and comfort with intimacy.
Securely attached adults would likely agree with statements such as:
Statement It is relatively easy for me to become emotionally close to others. I am comfortable depending on others and having others depend on me. I don't worry about being alone or others not accepting me.
These individuals thrive in relationships, reporting greater satisfaction and adjustment. They strike a healthy balance between intimacy and independence, feeling comfortable both relying on others and being self-sufficient. This style often stems from caregivers who were consistently emotionally available and responsive.
Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment
The anxious-preoccupied style is characterized by a negative view of self combined with a positive, often idealized, view of others. These individuals intensely desire intimacy and closeness, sometimes to the point of becoming overly dependent on their partners.
Adults with this style might resonate with:
Statement I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don't value me as much as I value them.
They may struggle with self-doubt, constantly seeking approval and validation from their attachment figures. This can lead to high levels of emotional expressiveness, worry, and impulsiveness in relationships, often blaming themselves when intimacy feels lacking.
Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment
In contrast, dismissive-avoidant individuals typically possess a positive view of themselves but a negative view of others. They prioritize independence and self-sufficiency, often appearing emotionally distant or uncomfortable with deep intimacy.
Statements they might agree with include:
Statement I am comfortable without close emotional relationships. It is important to me to feel independent and self-sufficient. I prefer not to depend on others or have others depend on me.
This style often involves suppressing feelings and downplaying the importance of close relationships. They deal with rejection by distancing themselves, and while they may appear unaffected, research suggests they can still experience strong physiological reactions to emotional situations, despite their outward composure.
Fearful-Avoidant Attachment
The fearful-avoidant style is perhaps the most complex, marked by an unstable or fluctuating view of both self and others. These individuals desire intimacy but are simultaneously afraid of it, often due to past trauma or losses, such as childhood abuse.
They might identify with statements like:
Statement I am somewhat uncomfortable getting close to others. I want emotionally close relationships, but I find it difficult to completely trust others, or to depend on them. I sometimes worry that I will be hurt if I allow myself to become too close to other people.
People with this style often view themselves as unworthy of care and simultaneously distrust the intentions of others. This internal conflict leads them to seek less intimacy and to suppress their feelings, making it difficult for them to express affection and build lasting, secure bonds.
It's important to note that insecure attachment styles—anxious, dismissive, or fearful—can make individuals more vulnerable to mental health challenges like depression and anxiety. Understanding these patterns is often the first step toward developing healthier ways of relating.
Unpacking Internal Working Models
John Bowlby's original concept of 'working models' described how children internalize their experiences with caregivers. They form expectations about whether their attachment figures will be accessible and helpful. These expectations become a template for future relationships.
Bowlby suggested that these models involve two crucial variables: whether the caregiver is generally responsive, and whether the child believes they are deserving of that responsiveness. These two aspects intertwine, shaping the child's self-perception and their view of others in a complementary, mutually confirming way.
\text{Working Model} = \text{Beliefs about Self} + \text{Beliefs about Others}When Hazan and Shaver extended attachment theory to adults, the idea of working models came with it. For adults, these models function similarly: they are mental frameworks that influence how we perceive, interpret, and respond to relationship cues, acting as a filter for our social interactions.
How Working Models are Organized
Researchers Bartholomew and Horowitz proposed that working models have two primary dimensions: thoughts about the self and thoughts about others. Each dimension can be generally positive or negative, creating a matrix that neatly maps onto the four attachment styles.
This diagram illustrates how self-esteem (thoughts about self) and sociability (thoughts about others) combine to form the different attachment styles:
Self-esteem (thoughts about self) Sociability (thoughts about others) Positive Negative Positive Secure Anxious-preoccupied Negative Dismissive-avoidant Fearful-avoidant
As you can see, secure and dismissive styles are linked to higher self-esteem, while anxious and fearful styles show lower self-esteem. Similarly, secure and anxious styles are associated with higher sociability, contrasting with the dismissive and fearful styles. This framework suggests our core beliefs about ourselves and others are fundamental to our attachment patterns.
Beyond these general beliefs, working models also include 'relational schemas'—predictable interaction patterns. If, for example, you regularly ask your partner for a hug and receive one, you form a schema like, 'If I seek comfort, my partner will provide it.'
These schemas are like 'if-then' statements that guide our behavior and expectations. They allow us to anticipate a partner's response, helping us navigate the complexities of daily interactions. Researchers have shown that people with different attachment styles have distinct relational schemas, expecting either acceptance or rejection in similar scenarios.
Article
Attachment in adults
In psychology, the theory of attachment in adults examines the way in which emotional connections are approached during adulthood across a spectrum of relationship types, which is posited to originate from the bonding experience received from caregivers as an infant.
Attachment theory was initially studied in the 20th century to associate infant behaviors with the attachment they had to their caregivers. The working models of children found in John Bowlby's attachment theory demonstrate a pattern of interaction which is likely to influence adult relationships.
Background
Attachment in adults
Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby founded the modern-day attachment theory on studies of children to their caregivers. Children and caregivers remained the primary focus of attachment theory for many years but, in the 1980's, Sue Johnson began using attachment theory in adult therapy settings. Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver continued to conduct research through analyzing adult relationships. Hazan and Shaver noticed that interactions between adults were similar to interactions between children and caregivers. Adults feel comforted when their attachment figures are present, but feel more anxious, and/or lonely, when their attachment figures are absent. Romantic relationships, for example, serve as a secure base that help people face the surprises, opportunities, and challenges life presents. Similarities such as these led Hazan and Shaver to extend attachment theory to adult relationships.
Relationships between adults also differ in some ways from relationships between children and caregivers. These two kinds of relationships are not identical, but the core principles of attachment theory apply to both child-caregiver relationships, and adult relationships.
Attachment styles
Attachment in adults
Adult attachment has connected the theory to attachment styles in order to further understand behaviors, such as trust and emotional stability. Adults are described as generally relating to four attachment styles:
• Secure • Anxious-preoccupied • Dismissive-avoidant • Fearful-avoidant
These attachment styles in adults can be seen to earlier connect to children's behaviors. The descriptions of adult attachment styles offered below are based on the relationship questionnaire devised by Bartholomew and Horowitz and on a review of studies by Pietromonaco and Barrett. Style and quality of attachment relationships can directly correlate with life satisfaction in adults. Average relationship duration can also be linked to the style of the participant's relationship.
Secure
Secure attachment is one of the four primary attachment styles that most often correlates with a positive view of yourself and your relationship with others. People that have a secure attachment style are often associated with high self-esteem, and have an easier time forming healthy relationships with others. Those with a secure attachment style often manage conflict without feeling overwhelmed and are not bothered by the concepts of closeness and independence.
This begins at childhood, signaling a relationship between parents and caregivers that reflects feeling loved and cared for. Children who are secure in relationships are often confident when interacting with others. It is typically seen that infants and children with this form of attachment felt safe and secure with their caregivers, and were able to communicate through their emotions. These behaviors usually continue into adulthood and allow these adults to form long term relationships without the fear of being abandoned.
Many adults who have a secure attachment style have an easier time trusting in themselves and their relationships. They do not feel the need for constant reassurance, so feeling close or distant in others does not have a large impact. Someone who demonstrates the qualities of a secure attachment style is more open to discuss previous relationships and does not have a hard time opening up.
In connection to romantic relationships, many securely attached individuals see happiness and trust in their relationships, and have an easier time supporting their partners despite their faults. Many of these relationships last longer and secure lovers feel strongly that their romantic love will not fade.
Even though people with a secure attachment style still have relationship challenges, they have a much more positive take on these issues and often take responsibility for their faults. Conflict is not something they want to engage with, so they try to find a solution.
Anxious-preoccupied
Anxious Preoccupied Attachment (sometimes known as anxious or anxious-ambivalent) is a form of attachment where individuals view themselves negatively, and feel unsure about trusting others. This attachment style creates a sense of gaining validation through relationships as a form of self-acceptance. These individuals seek intimacy but fear that others do not want to be with them.
This style was created in childhood likely because the caregivers' availability to the infant was sporadic, being sometimes emotionally unavailable. Because of this, the infant sought reassurance that their caregiver would provide stability. This attachment during infancy is present because the caregiver is sometimes present and other times not, so the caregiver's behavior becomes inconsistent. This continues into adulthood as individuals will seek reassurance and crave intimacy, but worry about others meeting their needs, emotionally. These individuals often find it hard to feel loved by their partners, while they also have a hard time expressing their love for others.
Individuals with anxious attachment seek approval by others regarding the security of the relationship. Delayed communication leads to worry by these individuals and may cause them to feel rejected. Even in stable relationships, many anxious attachment individuals worry about the state of the relationship.
Dismissive-avoidant
Dismissive-avoidant attachment is one of the main attachment styles, and is often connected with a positive self-view, but a negative view of others. Individuals with this attachment style often avoid closeness and intimacy with others. Individuals with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style typically suppress their emotions, and prioritize their personal independence.
The characteristics of individuals who are dismissive-avoidant include emotional distance, independence over closeness, difficulty sharing their emotions, providing mixed signals, and pushing away issues. By doing these things, these individuals hope to avoid confrontation with others and they put themselves first, and pull away when any issues arise.
This forms as children when the infant's caregivers are dismissive to the baby, and the child does not feel comfort. Due to this, the child slowly learns to trust themselves over their caregiver. This continues into adulthood, as these individuals pull away from others in order to control these emotions.
Individuals with a dismissive-avoidant style continually prefer to have emotional distance. Many have a hard time opening up to romantic partners, and when things feel real, they pull away. This can cause stress for the other person because they may not understand why this distance is being created. In therapy, this pattern is understood as a learned strategy rather than a fixed trait, and research on earned secure attachment suggests it can shift toward greater comfort with closeness over time.
Fearful-avoidant
Fearful avoidant attachment (also known as Disorganized Attachment) is the least common of the main attachment styles. Individuals with this attachment style are associated with a negative self-view, as well as a negative view of others. They seek close relationships, but are scared of them, so it almost feels like a personal battle within themselves.
This attachment style develops through trauma as infants and children, which causes these individuals to have a difficult time forming relationships. These children become withdrawn socially and do not easily trust others. This continues into adulthood because they are often pushing and pulling other people. These individuals sometimes seek closeness, but other times crave distance due to fear of abandonment.
Many people with this attachment style may stay in the dating stage of romantic relationships as it takes longer to trust others. These individuals may shut down if the relationship becomes too serious, out of self protection. Many get nervous when they are in a stable relationship due to prior trauma and experiences.
Working models
Attachment in adults
Bowlby observed that children learn from their interactions with caregivers. Throughout many interactions, children form expectations about the accessibility and helpfulness of their caregivers. These expectations reflect children's thoughts about themselves and their caregivers:
Confidence that an attachment figure is, apart from being accessible, likely to be responsive can be seen to turn on at least two variables: (a) whether or not the attachment figure is judged to be the sort of person who generally responds to calls for support and protection; (b) whether or not the self is judged to be the sort of person towards whom anyone, and the attachment figure, in particular, is likely to respond in a helpful way. Logically, these variables are independent. In practice, they are apt to be confounded. As a result, the model of the attachment figure and the model of the self are likely to develop to be complementary and mutually confirming. (Bowlby, 1973, p. 238)
Organization of working models
Bartholomew and Horowitz have proposed that working models consist of two parts. One part deals with thoughts about the self and the other deals with thoughts about others. They further propose that a person's thoughts about themselves are either generally positive or generally negative. The same applies to a person's thoughts about others. To test these proposals, Bartholomew and Horowitz have looked at the relationship between attachment styles, self-esteem, and sociability. The diagram below shows the relationships they observed:
<table><thead><tr><th colspan="2" rowspan="2"></th><th colspan="2">Self-esteem (thoughts about self)</th></tr><tr><th>Positive</th><th>Negative</th></tr></thead><tbody><tr><th rowspan="2">Sociability (thoughts about others)</th><th>Positive</th><td>Secure</td><td>Anxious-preoccupied</td></tr><tr><th>Negative</th><td>Dismissive-avoidant</td><td>Fearful-avoidant</td></tr></tbody></table>
Stability of working models
Investigators study the stability of working models by looking at the stability of attachment styles. Attachment styles reflect the thoughts and expectations that constitute working models. Changes in attachment styles, therefore, indicate changes in working models.
Around 70–80% of people experience no significant changes in attachment styles over time. The fact that attachment styles do not change for a majority of people indicates working models are relatively stable. Yet, around 20–30% of people do experience changes in attachment styles. These changes can occur over periods of weeks or months. The number of people who experience changes in attachment styles, and the short periods over which the changes occur, suggest working models are not rigid personality traits.
Why attachment styles change is not well understood. Waters, Weinfield and Hamilton propose that negative life experiences often cause changes in attachment styles. Their proposal is supported by evidence that people who experience negative life events also tend to experience changes in attachment styles. Davila, Karney, and Bradbury have identified four sets of factors that might cause changes in attachment styles: (a) situational events and circumstances, (b) changes in relational schemas, (c) personality variables, and (d) combinations of personality variables and situational events. They conducted a study to see which set of factors best explained changes in attachment styles. The study found that all four sets of factors cause changes in attachment styles. Changes in attachment styles are complex and depend on multiple factors.
Relationship outcomes
Satisfaction
Several studies have linked attachment styles to relationship satisfaction. Adults who have a secure attachment style usually express greater satisfaction with their relationships. Adults with insecure (anxious or avoidant) attachment styles tend to have lower satisfaction and commitment within their relationships.
Although the link between attachment styles and marital satisfaction has been firmly established, the mechanisms by which attachment styles influence marital satisfaction remain poorly understood. One mechanism may be communication. Secure attachment styles may lead to more constructive communication and more intimate self-disclosures, which in turn increase relationship satisfaction. Other mechanisms by which attachment styles may influence relationship satisfaction include emotional expressiveness, strategies for coping with conflict, and perceived support from partners. Further studies are needed to better understand how attachment styles influence relationship satisfaction.
Duration
Some studies suggest that adults with a secure attachment style have longer-lasting relationships. This may be partly due to commitment. Adults with a secure attachment style tend to express more commitment to their relationships. Adults with a secure attachment style also tend to be more satisfied with their relationships, which may encourage them to stay in their relationships longer. However, having a secure attachment style is by no means a guarantee of long-lasting relationships. Relationship participants with anxious and avoidant attachment styles have been linked to a decreased level of commitment.
Nor are secure attachment styles the only attachment styles associated with stable relationships. Adults with the anxious–preoccupied attachment style often find themselves in long-lasting, but unhappy, relationships. Anxious–preoccupied attachment styles often involve anxiety about being abandoned and doubts about one's worth in a relationship. These kinds of feelings and thoughts may lead people to stay in unhappy relationships.